Friday, October 02, 2009

Name That Erotica

Paul and Ben premiere their new game show, wherein various audience members are read an erotic paragraph and they have to guess whether it was written by a Conservative Public Figure, or Not.

If the audience member guessed correctly, they got some candy. If they guessed who wrote the passage, they got more candy.

Not very many people won.

Below are the passages. Answers follow.

1) Do you really comprehend how beautiful your smile is? Have you been told lately how warm your eyes are and how they softly glow with the special nature of your soul? I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificently gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curves of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of night’s light — but hey, that would be going into the sexual details we spoke of at the steakhouse at dinner — and unlike you I would never do that!

2) Closing her eyes she concentrated on the tingling sensation of water flowing against her body. Suddenly another sensation intruded. Ashley felt two large hands wrap themselves around her breasts and hot breath on the back of her neck. She opened her eyes wide and giggled.
"I thought you drowned out there, snorkel man."
Tommy O'Malley was naked and at attention.
"Drowning is not an option," he said, "unless of course you beg me to perform unnatural acts right here in this shower."

3) Now in my hotel room. How my favorite young stud doing? You need a massage? Did any girl give you a hand job this weekend? Did you spank it this weekend yourself? Do you really do it face down? Where do you unload it? I always use lotion and the hand. Well I have a totally stiff wood now. Is your little guy limp or growing? I am hard as a tell me when yours reaches "rock".

4) She moved her hips in a slow undulating circle. He felt himself almost slip inside her, then she pulled herself away. She was getting warmer due to the heat emanating from his groin. His cock strained for her, longed to submerge itself in the ebb and flow of her tide.
"Squeeze," she repeated.
He applied a small bit of pressure to her neck. This was all the assurance she needed. She let go of his hand and shifted her grip to his wrist.
"Harder," she said, pulling his hand toward her throat.
He increased his pressure, and Kim closed her eyes. He felt his glans spread her labia slightly on her return trip, their moisture commingling in dangerous ways.

5) I thought that one day, I would just wake up and realize it was just a stupid fling, just innocent experimentation. I thought that if I admitted the love I had been hiding, society would reject me.
It all started one day when I was twelve. That’s when I found my true love. I had looked this person’s way a few times and got that nervous feeling in my stomach – but I had been taught that this love was forbidden.
Then came the fair, my hand brushed this person’s, my palms began to sweat, my hands began to shake, the Ferris wheel came to a complete stop.
I looked deeply into this person’s eyes, and reached out to softly touch this person’s face.
I leaned in and I kissed my sister.
First our lips met, seconds later our tongues. I ran my fingers through her silky hair and felt her soft skin. It was the height of passion and the moment I knew who my true love was. We knew we had done something so wrong, but at the same time, something so very right.
Since then we have met in secret several times. My sister and I are in love, I realize that I am different, but am I so different that I haven’t earned the right to love? I simply ask you to be tolerant.
We will make love.

1) Yes. Mark Sanford, Republican Governor of South Carolina
2) Yes. Bill O'Reilly from "Those Who Trespass - A Novel of Murder & Television"
3) Yes. Mark Foley - Former Republican Congressman from Florida's 16th District
4) No. Paul Gude from "Love in a Time of Zombies"
5) Yes. Glenn Beck from "The Real America"

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